Hello Stern Family

I want to write this before it all slips my mind. And, if you’ve ever had a baby, you know that (even though you’re more exhausted than you ever have been) you can’t sleep at all! I was up all night and have barely slept today. Guess it’s those mama hormones :)

If you haven’t read my birth story with Cai… read it here. I compare a lot of what I went through with this birth to that one because they are so night and day. 

If you don’t care about details… especially birthing details… then don’t read on. LOL. 

It all started with a bloody show. Haha… birthing terms are so funny. Will and I always laugh that the “bloody show” sounds like we’re talking about a horror movie or something. I noticed it in the morning when I woke up on Thursday. It’s kind of ironic because I was up so much the night before just talking and crying to God telling him how frustrated I was that I was still pregnant. I was SO uncomfortable and it was getting really hard to just even function. THANK GOODNESS my mom had been here for the 3 weeks prior so I seriously couldn’t have done it without her. Cai would have been a ball of energy stuck in this house with me. My mom made it so I could sleep in, take showers, go on errands, etc. I am so thankful for her and her servant heart. Anyway, I was crying all night and then, what do ya know, the next day is when things get started. I was 5 days “late” and definitely was feeling it. Every day dragged on but I tried my best to have a good attitude about it. Especially after about 3 weeks of me feeling like she could come “any day”… but nope! I texted my midwife, Brenda, after I noticed the blood and she said she was hoping she’d get a call soon that labor was starting. I immediately noticed some very light contractions but they really weren’t anything to note. Just kind of regular cramping. But that was unusual for me. So, I called will and asked him if he could work from home for the day just to give me peace of mind so my mom wasn’t having to take care of me AND Cai. So he came right home at around 12. It was just an easy day of me having cramping. I took a nap and they went away. As soon as I got up they started again. Things really didn’t start getting regular until Brenda told me to go on a walk around the neighborhood to see if that got things going. Welp, it sure did! Will and I were timing these cramps to be about 10 minutes apart and about 40 seconds long. Brenda asked me to let her know when they got to be 8 minutes apart and 45 seconds long. She lives about an hour away and it was getting close to Atlanta traffic time so she needed to plan her day. I came home and they didn’t stop, like I thought they probably would have. I texted her and let her know that they were coming on and she said that it sounded like I was in labor. At around 5:00pm she said that she was going to plan on heading our way with her apprentice, Shaneeta. I seriously couldn’t believe that things were actually happening and that this was the day. I had spent the past week or so telling myself that I would go down as the only person in history that was forever pregnant haha. And I couldn’t believe how easy the contractions were at this point. Definitely strong, but not ANYTHING like Cai’s birth! I was kind of in denial all day. Cai’s birth started with my water breaking and immediately I had HARD contractions that were 4 minutes apart and 1 minute long. So I spent the next hour or so on the birthing ball… leaning up against the bed whenever I had a contraction.

We had our room set up perfectly for the birth. I had made a labor playlist with about 80 worship songs on it and we started that right away. Will was getting the room ready… putting the right things on the bed and starting to fill the water birth tub.

Will was praying over me with each contraction and declaring God’s promises over me as well as reminding me that I wasn’t under the curse of childbirth pain. I seriously felt a huge difference when he did this. The pain was significantly different… more like tightening rather than pain. I kept crying in between contractions because I was so in awe of God’s love and comfort over me. I was going through labor and not miserable. I felt His presence stronger than ever before. Because of the trauma I went through with Cai’s birth, I was dealing with a lot of fear the whole pregnancy. It took me the entire pregnancy to truly have faith in God and what He could provide for me. That the curse was broken over me. That I didn’t have to deal with pain or misery. I really became confident of all of that by the time labor came around. I read books, I found specific scripture, we prayed over my body every night. I didn’t want to let satan steal something that was supposed to be meant for God’s glory. We prayed for a “Garden of Eden” birth. However God created it to be is what I expected! 

So, here I was, going through intense contractions but feeling such an overwhelming presence of God that I can’t even explain. Will and I were in awe. Not to mention we were about to have this baby in the room that we had prayed in every night about the birth. We created this atmosphere, not someone else. God was showing Himself so strong and mighty in our house.

Anyway, Brenda and Shaneeta showed up at about 6:30pm. Brenda checked my dilation and I still had some effacement to do and was about 4 cm dilated. I had just seen her the night before and I was at a 2.5.

She asked that before I go in the tub that I do a couple things to help get labor going stronger. So we did that for about 15 minutes and BOY did labor start after that. I got in the tub. Oh my gosh! I now see why they call it the midwife’s epidural. It was the best thing ever! 

You know how whenever your muscles are sore, a nice hot bath will just completely relax you? That’s how this was. My contractions were so strong but this took the edge off. I was amazed. And they kept progressing and didn’t slow down at all. So at about 8:00pm, things really started to pick up. This is when we really call it “active labor”… I was really starting to breathe through each one and really didn’t want to talk between them. We were timing them to be about 2 minutes apart and about 1:30 seconds long. Brenda had me get out of the tub so she could check my progress again. In that short amount of time, I was now at an 8! This was transition. And I was feeling it. I didn’t want to leave the bed after I had gotten there so I did a few contractions there with some blankets on.

Then I just really wanted to get back in the tub because I knew I wanted to actually give birth there. So I made my way back as quickly as possiblebefore the next contraction. They were coming on so fast at this point. By the time I got back in is when I started to feel the feeling like I couldn’t do it anymore. This was probably at about 9:00pm. I kept asking everyone in the room, “are you SURE I can do this? I don’t think I can!” and Brenda kept reassuring me that I could and that every mom gets to the point when they say that… and usually it means that it’s almost over! Brenda and Shaneeta are AMAZING midwifes.

So encouraging through the whole thing and so motherly. Brenda knew when I needed someone to relate with me and would just hug me and say, “I know it’s hard” and then there were other times when she would just encourage and tell me how well I was doing and that I was almost there. I needed them there! And, of course, Will was amazing. Always by my side… rubbing my back and doing whatever I needed. He was praying me through the entire thing. My husband is INCREDIBLE! Gosh I’m blessed!

So I hit the point where I felt like I should start pushing. Brenda noticed that after a few contractions of pushing, the head wasn’t moving down. She saw that the baby was stuck on a lip and needed some help. She had me do 2 contractions on my left side, 2 on my right, 2 on my back, and 2 on my hands and knees. She called it the rotisserie chicken haha. Those were some HARD contractions. I felt the need to push but I really just needed to breathe through them in order to help her move.

Once I finished that, it was pushing time. I stayed on my hands and knees in the tub and pushed with everything I had. I did about 4 contractions of pushing and then her head was crowning. This was the torture part. With Cai’s birth, we could see his head for 3.5 hours and I was pushing that whole time. So by the time he came out, it really didn’t hurt that bad because it was kind of numb. With Noa, this was the worst part. It was the part that Ihad to tell myself, “I know this hurts like heck, but you HAVE to do it”. I kept telling myself that the quicker I got her out, the quicker I got to relax. So I just kept telling myself that. Finally, at 10:45pm on May 31st, her head came out, and then one arm, then another, then her torso, and then her legs. Biggest relief ever! She came out behind me and Brenda scooted her in between my legs and said, “ok, look down and pick up your baby”. I totally didn’t expect that! I just assumed she would grab her. So I look down and see this huge baby just floating in the water. I was immediately overwhelmed with emotion. I picked her up and hugged her and couldn’t stop saying, “I’m done! I did it!”.

I couldn’t believe that the thing I had feared for so long was actually over. It was amazing. She was so peaceful. Only let out a little cry and then just laid there onme. So precious! Brenda and Shaneeta kept commenting on how they couldn’t believe how huge she was. She definitely was bigger than I thought she would be. 

Then the next part was unexpected too. The dumb afterbirth pains! I had to get the placenta out so I had to stay in the water. I was so uncomfortable. I was holding Noa while still having strong contractions while she was still attached to me. I just wanted to get out of that tub! So Brenda gave me some herbs to get things going. I sat in there for about 40 minutes while we waited for the cord to stop pulsing. She got all the blood and nutrients she needed… it was so amazing! That is something that a hospital will never do. Then we cut the cord and I waited another 20 minutes or so for the placenta to detach. Getting the placenta out was just as much as a relief as birthing the baby. As soon as I did, the contractions stopped for a little while.

I got out of the tub and they walked me over to a sitz bath filled with herbs to help me heal. It felt incredible! I got to hold Noa in there with me and nurse her for the first time. She latched right on and knew what she was doing! That was a big deal for me too because Cai and I struggled with nursing for about the first 8 weeks. She is a champ! 

After the bath, I finally got to put some dry clothes on which felt so good. And those good looking Victoria Secret diapers haha. I couldn’t wait to lay in bed!! They checked to see if I had any tears. I had a couple 1st degree tears that she chose not to stitch, thank goodness!! I hated that part of recovery last time with stitches. The only thing she told me was that I need to stay in bed for a week in order to allow them to heal on their own. So here I am in bed! I am SO sore because of the Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction that I had been dealing with the last month of pregnancy. Basically my ligament on my pubic bone had gotten too loose and was causing extreme pain when I’d walk. And it’s gotten about 10 times worse since I had the baby. So I’m praying for that to go away really quick since I can’t even walk. 

After that, Brenda and Shanneta checked out the placenta and then did a thorough check on the baby. They gave her a 10 apgar which is great!! They also measured her at 10 lbs 2 oz, 22 inches, and with a 14.5 cm head. BIG GIRL!! No wonder it took me a while to get her out. She is a little chunk! I can’t believe she’s a full 2 pounds bigger than Cai. 

She is already such a huge  blessing in our lives. Full of such peace. Seriously I’ve never seen a baby so content. She has been sleeping this whole time and when she wakes up hungry she just wakes up and looks around. She’s nursing perfectly. She’s so sweet with a perfect temperament! I am already so attached and in love. My little girl!

And Will is completely in love and enthralled with her. It’s the cutest thing. Cai loves her too and has been such a sweet heart. 

Everything is great here and now it’s just time to rest up and enjoy the last days I have with my mom here. I’m going to miss her. 

Thank you God for providing for ALL of my needs and not leaving my side. He truly is the great provider and protector. I saw it in a new way last night.

I was also reminded that childbirth will forever go down as the hardest things that a woman will EVER have to do. I think it’s God’s way of attaching the mother’s heart to her children’s hearts in a way that no one else can relate with. It’s a sacrifice that makes you love them to a new extreme. But, at this point (a day later), I am saying that I can’t believe I did that and I never want to do it again. Good thing God has us forget all the bad parts haha. 

Welcome to the world, our precious Noa Ruth. You are a powerful woman!

One of the areas I am constantly feeling like a failure in is organization. I’m not bad at it… I know I’m good at it… but because I care so much, I end up feeling like I didn’t do enough at the end of the day. So… last week’s pinterest challenge was for me to get a weekly cleaning plan going as well as a meal plan.

Here is the housekeeping schedule I am following (although I changed around what days I do what according to what I thought was best for us). From HERE.

And here is the meal planning schedule. From HERE.

These two things have changed my life. I’m not even joking. I put so much pressure on myself to have a perfectly clean and picked up house every day while also making dinner and it was too much on me. The good thing about the housekeeping schedule is that I don’t pressure myself to clean our bedroom or scrub the kitchen until the scheduled day. I have one thing to do (plus pick up rooms, and do dishes) so I’m not feeling so overwhelmed. Although, there are just those days when you can’t get anything done and I’m learning to give myself grace for those days as well :) 
As for the meal planner, I am kicking myself for not having done this before! It makes life so much easier! At the beginning of the month, I plan all the dinners for the next 2 weeks. We have one date night scheduled in there as well as one leftover night. So, really it’s only 10 total dinners. I make them simple and with as many ingredients I can from what’s already in our pantry. The worksheet makes it really simple because the categories split up what I need from what section of the grocery store, making shopping a ton easier too. And then, when it’s time to make dinner… I just pick one of the meals, cross it off to know that we ate it, and have peace of mind knowing that all the ingredients are already in the house. No having to run out last minute because I’m missing something. Oh, the sanity in my brain!! Haha. 

So, I’d say this was quite a success too!! Excited to keep it up.

My pinterest inspiration

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Pinterest challenge #1 - Jewelry Holder

So I did it. #1 is done and I am really happy with it. I totally needed a jewelry holder… my necklaces were all getting tangled in my earrings. It was not a pretty sight. So, behold the solution! I got the frames from Goodwill for a dollar each… they were the cheap ugly brown ones. I painted them a dark gold and took out the glass. Then I stapled on some antique lace ribbon that I got a while back at an estate sale. I’m loving the whole vintage look of it. I hung it in my room on the wall… it’s really pretty so I didn’t mind it being out in the open. So, there ya go folks! More to come!

(This is the link to the original inspiration)

I’m challenging myself. This season for me has been all about learning about myself. It’s been tough, but so good too! God is totally redefining who I thought I was. I’m starting to understand who He’s always called me to be. It’s weird!

So, one of the big things I’m learning about myself is that I’m not a failure. Laugh all you want, but seriously I really think I am in most things. It’s so stupid and I know it is. I am so darn afraid to try anything new because I’m scared that I’ll fail. I go on this circle of wanting to do something, and then convincing myself that I shouldn’t because I’ll fail at it and it will just be a waste of time in the end. This spills over into so many areas of my life and I’m sick of it. It’s totally the enemy trying to stop me from being a confident woman who doesn’t give a crud whether I do really well on something or I completely bomb it. Who cares?! It’s time to just try new things and love it. 

So… the challenge to myself is this.

I absolutely LOVE pinterest. I am constantly “pinning” things that I come across online because in my mind I’m thinking “I am going to do that” and, of course, I talk myself out of it. 

I will be challenging myself to doing one pinterest idea every week. This is so that I can start being confident in my ability to start things, even if it ends up going in the trash and it looks absolutely awful. At least I tried. I’m tired of feeling like a failure.

I’ll track my progress on the blog so everyone can see what I’m up to. Not sure how long I’ll do it. Some times I may go every other week, depending on the price of the project or how difficult it is. I’m going to start out with simple ones first. 

We’ll see how I do! :)

I struggle writing this post. Thoughts go through my head like, “should people know THIS much about me?”, “Should I be THIS vulnerable?”, “What are people going to think?”. I was once told, by someone who barely even knew me, that I shouldn’t be vulnerable to other Christians if I’m a leader in any way. Basically, God has come to show me that that’s actually a VERY unhealthy way of thinking and that I should run from that advice as quickly as possible!

I write this blog post because I want people to know me. Not the Laura they see just on Sunday mornings. Not the Laura they see on Facebook. I think I’m worth knowing. The true me… the good, the bad and the ugly. We’re all human, right? We are all struggling. We are all dealing with hardships day by day. No one is above anyone.

I’ve gone through about 3 years of major searching. Searching of just plain me. Digging into God’s heart and trying to figure out who the heck I am! Identity is a hard thing to figure out. I never realized until just recently. I always thought the true meaning of understanding your identity was being super confident and knowing every little thing about yourself. I’m coming to see that that’s not necessarily the case. True identity is being so empty of yourself that you search for GOD’S identity over you. Being so empty that there’s so much room in yourself for God to fill in His exact definition of you. Right now in my life is one of those times that I feel the most empty… in a good and perfect way. Sometimes it feels weird and wrong because I’m not used to it. I have emotional break downs all the time trying to figure out what God is doing in me. And then, I realize, I am more myself now than I’ve ever been. I’m ok with admitting that there has been about a period of about a year that God has been really quiet in my life. He’s given me words that I need to just rest and put my sails up… just sail on the ocean of His love. There’s times when I feel guilty about that… but then He reminds me that He’s pursuing ME! I guess you could call it all of the religion getting smacked out of me. No more thinking I’m a bad person for not praying “X” amount of times a day or reading my Bible another “X” amount of times a day. He is loving me by showing me that His love is so much more simple than that. 

This search for identity has had me feeling more lost than I ever have before. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cried out to the Lord asking Him, “Who am I, God?”. And sometimes He doesn’t respond. Well, at least not that I see with my eyes. Sometimes the quietness is what makes me really see who I am in Him. There’s other times that He will randomly send me $5000 diamond earrings in the mail or will meet me in worship in my car when I don’t expect it. When I feel like I’m not being faithful to Him, He turns it back on me and hugs me so hard that I actually can feel it. **As I write this, tears are streaming down my face**.

I know some of this might not make sense to anyone. Heck, if it doesn’t make sense to anyone but me, that’s ok. I just partly want to encourage people that if you feel like you’re going through a hard time with God, you may realize later that that was exactly the time that He pursued you the most and poured His love on you. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to feel close to God. I desired it so much. I had gone through so many hurts the past 3 years that I felt like I couldn’t open up to anyone or be myself. My confidence had taken a beating… over and over. I honestly didn’t have the energy to pursue God… and He knew that. He knew that better than me. He met me where I was and pursued me like a good father, a good friend, a good lover would. He didn’t let me go. I was always in His arms. 

I’m still going through all this. Although I feel like I’m coming to the end where I see the goodness… the just plain perfection of what I’ve gone through. God has a funny way of letting us see that. Although He didn’t plan those hurts in my heart, He sure did work them out for good in me. 

This is all to say (and here’s the vulnerable part)… I am still empty. Still hurting. Although the pain is gone, I’m having a hard time learning how to be ME. All of who I thought I was has been erased and God is loving filling me up with His definition of me. Every day is like a flood… even when I don’t ask for it. I feel the pouring of God’s river all over my heart. Not just filling me, but also cleansing the hurts. God has always described Himself to me as a river. Most prophetic words I receive and most times I read in the word, He confirms to me that He wants me to go to the river. At first, I didn’t know what it meant. One of the first times He started showing Himself this way was when Cai was a newborn and we had a worship mix playing in his room 24/7. I could count at least 100 times that God had me walk into his room and “find me in the river” by Delirious would START playing. I wouldn’t walk in in the middle. Nope, it started. And if you know the song, the first words are just that “find me in the river”. I knew God was telling me something. He is just that in my life… a river I can go to with life flowing in it. When I drink of it, I am filled. When I just sit there and do nothing, I am filled. As long as I’m there… everything is ok.

Who I am now is a different girl than who I was even 3 months ago. I still am asking the question, “who am I, God?”… and I’m just starting to see. I don’t need to have all the answers but slowly my confidence is coming back. Not worldly confidence, it’s a supernatural confidence. Not caring what others say about me… getting rid of the fear of man.

I think it’s good and healthy for people to be vulnerable with other people. It’s healthy for others to see our hearts…especially when God is doing a work in them. This past year has been tough for me in the friendship arena. I have great friends here who are top notch! I am just struggling with allowing myself to open up in that area. And you know what has been most freeing? God has been telling me that I don’t need friendships right now and don’t need to constantly be surrounded by people to make myself valuable. GASP! Did she just say that? Yes I did. I think women feel pressure a lot to feel like they constantly need meaningful friendships and always surrounded by other people to make themselves feel good. Some women just are good at it… and I envy them. But I need to learn how to be a friend, honestly. Just like if you were to have a limb amputated, you would need to learn how to live differently and do things differently. Or if you had a wound, it would need time to heal. If it was constantly being poked by something, it never would. I feel that way right now. I’m healing. I’m learning how to live with this new side of me that I don’t even understand yet. I know it’s not healthy to not have friends and separate yourself completely. That’s not what I’m saying. But it is ok to take some time and figure yourself out before you open your heart to friendships. So, here I am, learning to open myself up to God and then He will help me open up to others.

I think people think of me as this huge people person who loves to hang out in big groups. Honestly, I am not. That is hard for me. I am totally an introvert who loves time alone or time in small groups. At least now. So, God is teaching me to be OK with who I am… not feel bad that I’m not like most girls. The main thing I’m asking God for is just a good friend who is also a mom… in my stage of life. I would love to be able to relate with someone who can relate with me. So that’s where I’m headed next :) For now, God is filling me. I’m empty and it feels good to be filled. It feels good to not feel guilty for the things that He made me to be. Things that other people might not always understand. I’m learning to not apologize for myself. Gosh darn it, Laura, you are who you are!! Get used to it and love it!!

I challenge you to start being vulnerable to the people around you. I think vulnerability is the beginning of starting to see who people really are and loving them for it. Honoring them even when they say that they are broken and messed up in an area. 

I’m not perfect…and neither are you. So it’s time to just allow God to work in each of our hearts in different ways and learn to love each other through it.

((thanks for reading even though this was all just a bunch of rambling thoughts!))

Hey it’s Will…and this evening instead of surfing Hulu for mindless shows, I had the idea that we should capture new things we’ve fallen in love with so far this year…here goes!

Laura: White Cheddar Popcorn
My only true craving this pregnancy…besides non-alcoholic beer???

Will: A Divine Confrontation – by Graham Cooke
An incredible book about the purpose, structure and future of the church

Laura: My New Cupholder
Noa’s already being helpful

Will: Running Shoes
It had been almost 5 years since I’d worn tennis shoes till Laura got me these schnazzy Pumas for Christmas…I feel like my feet are being hugged all day long.

Laura: Comfy (yet stylish) New Mom Shoes
They’re tennis shoes without the bulk…and they have pink laces. J

Will: WebMD
As someone who loves ministry, I’m surprised how much I like working with a bunch of code nerds…there’s something about hearing the words “our architecture needs more modularity” spoken in the distance that bring a warm comfort.

Laura: Prenatal DVD
I never realized that your abs could be worked out and sore DURING pregnancy…also your pelvic floor…whatever that is.

Will: Non-Alcoholic Beer
I’ve substituted my 130 calorie soda for 50 calorie, caffeine-free non-alcoholic beer…never had beer before…thanks Laura for craving hops!

Laura: DIY Decorations
I finally figured out how to do a DIY project right without it looking like a kindergarten craft project!

Will: The Torch and the Sword – Rick Joyner
Some prophetic-dream books can sound more like Lord of the Rings meets Willy Wonka…but this one is amazing and an excellent read!

Both of Us: The Power Juicer
We started off 2012 with the best purchase EVER.  We’ve been juicing up a storm and feel great!  Will says those farts are the dog, but I’m not so certain.

I hate talking about politics on my blog. So that’s why I’m not going to. I’m going to talk about our country :) Politics sicken me. A bunch of power hungry people who only care to be “politically correct” and go back and forth on their values. YUCK!! This is our country we’re talking about here. 

This morning I’m just really bothered. I read that Obama signed the Defense Appropriations Bill and I literally feel sick to my stomach. The fact that most of America 1) doesn’t even realize that he signed this bill, and 2) doesn’t even know what the heck this bill says in it is REALLY bothersome. The American people should know exactly what is being signed into place and should feel like they have some say in what the decisions are. Honestly, when was the last time you felt like you had a part in the way that this country is going? Me? Probably never. I know we are termed a republic, but, I’m sorry folks… look at the facts. We are the furthest thing from it. The states make none of the decisions. We have this “high” leader on top who makes all decisions and spends all our money without us even knowing where it’s going. GRRRR!

I’ve gotten more passionate about all this stuff since I had a baby. I care more about the state of our country because I know that it is all about the future of my children. I know that the trillions of dollars that we have no idea where they are going is my child’s own money they will have to deal with. 

I write this blog because I really truly think America needs to wake up. Especially the Christians. I truly believe that all of this is going down because God is getting pushed out. In a vital time when we need God most, He is not welcome here. We have always been blessed by the Lord in this country, and I believe that the actions being taken are because people are choosing to do things on their own. And we all know how dangerous that is.

Obviously, a call to prayer is important. Prayer changes so much, I’ve seen it to mighty things even this past year in our country. I also believe that people need to wake up. Literally open their eyes to what’s going on and at least be aware of it. Our country is so focused on the celebrities and sports that most people don’t have the space to think about the future of this country. It’s a lot… and it takes a lot of energy. 

Most people, sadly, don’t even realize the bill that was just signed by our own president that will take away our liberties. This bill was written in secret and then signed, basically, in secret. I didn’t hear about it until just know AFTER the fact. This bill takes away the entire sixth amendment that guarantees a person the right to a trial. It basically places all domestic terror investigations in the hands of our military which would give them the ability to detain anyone indefinitely, without trial, if they are a suspected “terrorist.” It’s basically the movie the Minority Report placed in our own government. If you are “suspected” they will arrest you based on preventative measures. No more innocent until proven guilty. Does anyone else think this is WEIRD??!

Why would anyone in their right might put that kind of power in their own hands unless they plan on doing something wrong with it? 

I’m just asking everyone to be aware of this and to really pray for the state of our country. Pray for our president, that he is lead by good motives and values. That he meets Jesus. We have a duty for our country, our children, and ourselves! I don’t care if you’re democrat or republican… this is beyond that. We all really need to come together.